As an Austin, TX therapist, I’ve worked with individual, couples, divorcees, and more to help people properly assess their potential and put together a plan to reach it in a meaningful way. Several overarching themes have come out of those experiences in my therapy practice…
Have you ever noticed that when we get really close to getting what we want we create more chaos? In this article I suggest five tips on how to get out of your own way and some context as to why you might be blocking your own path in the first place. When individuals come to my therapy office in Austin, TX, they usually present with something along the lines of:
I keep setting goals that I’m fully capable of achieving, but then I hit a wall. Why do I keep getting stuck?
When it comes to setting and achieving goals, everyone has a different need in terms of guidance. Someone lacking intrinsic motivation (i.e. strong willpower or internal drive) might need a lot of extrinsic motivation (i.e. strong influence from a family member, or a boss setting deadlines and expectations). For people who are already motivated, too much external pressure, in addition to their own internal pressure cooker, causes distress and burnout. Someone with an inflated view of themselves might need a reality check on what’s actually realistic, where someone with low confidence needs more encouragement just to get started. This is part of the reason it’s so important to find a therapist matched appropriately for your needs.
I want to first clarify my perspective is based on the work I’ve done with clients and it might not apply to everyone. I was recently told I work well with the Piglets of the world, and I’d say that’s pretty accurate. The individuals I work with are usually very intelligent, capable, and goal-oriented but often really hard on themselves or too modest to let themselves shine.
Here are 5 tips I use in my Austin, TX therapy practice to help you get out of your own way:
1. Set a S.M.A.R.T. goal
Strong goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. My guess is you’ve either already set a S.M.A.R.T. goal for yourself or you’ve committed to not setting one. Why would someone commit specifically to not doing something? If you haven’t identified your goal, you aren’t going to know when you’ve accomplished it. Does that sound limiting or restrictive? It doesn’t have to be, but that perceived restriction is one reason why people avoid setting SMART goals.
Here’s something to chew on: you can always adjust your goals (and you should). Goals should not be set in stone, they should be revisited every few months at a minimum, as you learn more about what you are trying to accomplish. Sometimes we underestimate the amount of work we’ll have to do to achieve something and need to break the overarching goal into smaller pieces. Sometimes we overestimate how difficult something will be and need to create additional goals to keep us motivated. SMART goals help us find the right balance.
2. Learn to rest, rather than quit
Oh, how I wish I’d have learned this sooner! We all need to reset from time to time. If you don’t know how to do this, you’re bound to burn out or give up. Sometimes the barrier to achieving your full potential is the inability to say, “I f*ing hate this!” and take a break. Allowing yourself to feel what you feel about your journey can greatly reduce the energy exerted trying to suppress negativity and force a positive outlook. Let it out, and then pick yourself back up again and get going.
When a vacation or a full day off isn’t an option, schedule yourself smaller forms of self-care. If you haven’t already, identify 3 self-care practices that can serve as a resource to you when you’re having a bad day. For example, my three go-tos are going on a run, talking to a friend, and watching “The Office” (none of which cost me any money).
3. Make it fun again
Initially, we set a goal because we feel passionate about something. Then what happens? It becomes a chore. It becomes a source of pressure and distress. When we keep going at something from the same angle, the journey gets pretty monotonous and stale. It’s helpful to change things up a bit. For example, if your goal is to run a marathon–try switching up your playlist, running with a friend, or cross-training. Achieving goals is just as much about adding helpful methods as it is removing what’s not working.
4. Build a think tank for inspiration.
Identify the key people you can go to when you’re feeling discouraged and need encouragement. Even introverts need social support. This could be a mentor, a therapist, a best friend, or a group of people. I’m very fortunate to be in a field where supervision and peer support are built into my weekly schedule. If you work primarily in solitude you might consider forming a support group with some of your coworkers that meets once a month or once a week. You could also identify role models or public figures that you can imagine yourself talking to. When I’m feeling out of my element I usually grab a book from Brene Brown to remind myself it’s ok to be vulnerable. When I’m feeling timid I’ll watch an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and find inspiration in Larry David–the “social assassin” who really couldn’t care less what people think of him.
5. Acknowledge that failure is an option
The fear of failing can be paralyzing. The fear of failure can make it difficult to narrow down options and it can convince us that it’s easier not to try…because at least then we won’t embarrass ourselves. You don’t have to banish the fear of failure, you can befriend it. Fear keeps us alive and we need to know how to use it to our advantage.
Form a relationship with fear and say, ‘Hey, I see you. Thanks for the help, but I’m doing this anyways.’
Elizabeth Gilbert suggests that instead of asking ourselves,“What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?”, we ask: “What would I do if I knew I could fail?”. This reframe reminds us that the process is really the most important part of achieving goals anyways. What could you do that, no matter the outcome, you’d be happy you did it?
“Ok great, but I still don’t feel confident enough in myself.” As a therapist, my job is to help you explore your view of self and potential—what you think of your capabilities.
In my practice, we refer to the significant caretakers and siblings that a person grows up with as your family of origin. It’s hard to talk about confidence without talking about your family of origin. The reason can be found in attachment theory.
Attachment theory gives an interesting way of looking at confidence, which many people haven’t considered. Starting in infancy and all throughout our childhood, we learn how to get our needs met, including affection and attention. In a nutshell, if your primary caregiver gave you more attention when you were practicing your independence, you learned how to advocate for yourself and built confidence in being independent. This confidence in your autonomy can develop into a more self-reliant mentality. You don’t necessarily trust that other people will make things happen for you, your view is that you have to go out there and make it happen for yourself. If this is the case for you, our work might be around learning to depend more on others.
If your primary caregiver felt threatened by your independence and withheld affection when you practiced it, you learned how to be more dependent and fearful of outsiders. This can develop into a view that people in positions of power know more than you do which discourages you from speaking your mind. Instead, you might be more apt to fill a supportive role. If this is the case for you, our work might be learning to assert yourself or trust your independence.
Your gender and placement in the family structure also contribute to the potential you see in yourself. Firstborn children develop confidence around leading and bossing the younger siblings around (which is why a good portion of CEOs are oldest children). The youngest children (the source of entertainment in the family) develop confidence in their sense of humor and accomplishments, but not so much in their independence. Middle children develop a quiet confidence that is often unnoticed until later in life. Culturally, females are socialized to be more careful and considerate of other people’s feelings which often creates a disadvantage in the working world. Males are socialized to explore and take risks which often creates an advantage when it comes to dreaming big.
Perhaps most importantly, we learn by what’s modeled for us. What did your parents value and what did you witness them accomplish? Was your dad a workaholic or an entrepreneur who told you that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to? Or did your dad struggle to keep a job due to health problems or lack of motivation?
The overt or covert messages we receive from our parents about goals have the greatest influence on the goals we initially set for ourselves.
Like it or not, money has a lot to do with the goals we set. Our economy runs on money, so it only makes sense that every goal comes with a price tag attached. Privilege or lack thereof is a huge factor in how we view our place in the world. Families with fewer resources available often feel they must devote resources to the family member most likely to succeed financially. This can mean the family sets incredibly high goals for the designated achiever and smaller goals for the other members who have fewer perceived pathways to success. Families with more resources available will raise expectations for each individual. As financial resources increase, so does the likelihood and expectation of success.
All of these factors contribute to the ongoing narrative we have of who we are and what we’re capable of accomplishing. The more aware you become of the narrative that’s holding you back, the easier it is to rewrite it.
“How can one know if they are living up to their potential?”
Now, this gets tricky. Most of us live in a perceived world of scarcity, where we constantly experience sentiments of “never enough.” Lynne Twist’s Soul of Money has had a huge impact on how I view scarcity and abundance. From the moment we wake up we think, “I didn’t get enough sleep.” Then it’s, “I don’t have enough time for breakfast.” At work we encounter a barrage of never enough’s including, “I wasn’t clear enough,” “I’m not competent enough,” and “I’m not doing enough.” You can see how finances, sex lives, careers, marriages, parenthood, friendships, etc. can all become fraught with scarcity.
If you are waiting for someone benefiting from your hard work and consideration to tell you when you’ve reached your full potential, you might be waiting a long time.
Instead, we’re usually rewarded with more responsibility and we tell ourselves, “OK, if I can do this then I’ll really feel accomplished.”
Part of my role as a therapist is to help you develop your own barometer. I help you identify when to push the gas pedal and when to pump the brakes. Many of the clients I see are worried that if they become more content with their current progress, they’ll become complacent and lazy. Not the case!
When we learn how to celebrate our small successes, we gain motivation to keep going. It’s exhausting to constantly tell yourself you could’ve done better.
As we go through all of the steps mentioned above, we learn how to distinguish between excuses and self-care. We’ll also learn how to externalize the barriers that need to be externalized (a partner not meeting you halfway, not enough jobs available, etc.) and resolve internal conflict (I should be doing more, but I’m also really tired). If you’re interested in learning more about the advantages of working with an Austin, TX therapist or want to discover how you and I can successfully work together, I’d love to talk with you and fit out if we’re a good fit.
